Let’s talk about femininity.

If you’ve never had breast cancer and had to have your breasts removed, then you’ll never understand what it means to not feel feminine.   Being stripped of my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes was one thing, but being stripped of your boobs is another.  Oh yeah they’ve been replaced by implants,  (and not by a size that I would have chosen).  Let’s be clear, I didn’t go for a BOOB JOB.  I had Breast Cancer.  There’s only so much they could work with.  So if one more person asks how I like my new boobs, I might just SCREAM.   But don’t take it personally.  I’ll still love ❤️ you.

I am alive.  So thankful and grateful for that because “it could always be worse”. Happy Thanksgiving 🦃 everyone.  God bless you and your families.

 

Still Growing every 3weeks…

Need I say more?

Turn and face the strange, ch ch changes…

There are many changes going on right now physically and emotionally.

I’m up I’m down.   Challenged, tested and mentally drained.  Physically 😩 exhausted.   There is so much I want to do but once again due to the surgery I’m not doing much of anything.  I can only look and see what needs to be done and I get frustrated by it.  (In case you don’t know, I don’t like to sit still to for too long).  Even grocery shopping is a chore that I can’t do by myself,  unless I buy less than 10 pounds of groceries in one trip.

So maybe it’s a time for reflection.  I look back on my life with few regrets.  A few things that any normal person would have changed.  But I’m not normal by any means.  When I look back I think maybe those things may have made me stronger.   Strong enough to conquer this hard and sometimes unbearable Journey.  Strong enough to understand my fathers words.  Don’t quit.  Be strong.  Do better.  All wise words and life lessons.

So I continue to take each day, one at a time.  And I hope in the end I have taught my daughters those same life lessons.  Don’t quit, be strong and always do better.  No matter what life deals you.

Time may change me but I can’t chase time, I said that time may change me, but I can’t change time…

I can’t erase or change what I’m going through, but I can face it head on, like it or not, and move through it the best I can.

Shine on you Crazy Diamond

9/26/17.  Tomorrow is reconstructive surgery day and I will be nervous but I know it’ll be fine. It’s been 9 months since my last surgery. Still going to have the chemo treatments till the end of the year six more to go. I’m getting psyched that this will soon be over and I’ll be on my way back to my normal life style.

10/3/2017.  It’s 6 days after my operation and I really feel good. The only thing that still bothering me is this itch. Hard to itch when you can’t raise your arms and of course that’s always where the itch is, where you can’t reach it.  Right?   Almost forgot what it was like to not be able to use my arms. Quite frankly it sucks.

So my new side effect is described to be Brachioradial Pruritus. Guess what? You guessed it, more meds…

Through all of this I’m still trying to Shine On…

Poison Ivy, Poison Ivy…

I’ve developed yet another side effect.  No, not poison ivy, but a stinging itchy symptom that just won’t quit.  They are comparing it to Fibremialgia.  Nerve endings.  No visible rash, nothing seems to stop it.  Not even calamine lotion.  11am, 3pm, 3am it doesn’t matter.  It comes on like a wave, and does not stop.  This itch is a bitch!

“Well late at night when you’re sleeping 🌒poison ivy comes a creeping all around.  Measles make you bumpy and mumps’ll make you lumpy
And chicken pox’ll make you jump and twitch
A common cold’ll cool you but whooping cough’ll fool you
But poison ivy’s gonna make you itch
You’re gonna need an ocean 🌊
Of calamine lotion
You’ll be scratching like a hound
The minute you start to mess around.”

 

 

Controll your Journey

I just want to touch on a subject I have not touched yet.  Self exams.  I cannot stress how important this is!  If I did not find the lump when I did, the outcome may have been a different journey.

I religuosly had a mammogram and ultrasound every year.  Every October during Breast cancer awareness month.  This way I figured I could not forget to go.    Coming up on 1 month shy of my yearly exam I felt the lump.  So in 11 months it grew to a size I detected and the Journey began.   If there’s one thing you can do for yourself, THIS IS IT.   If you don’t know how to do it, your doctor is more than happy to explain and show you.  It is so important to do it.  Tell all your female friends.

Just Do It!   Luckily it was contained in my breast and did not get to my lymph nodes.  Yes,  The chemo is grueling but I was spared of having radiation treatments and in my mind that’s a Godsend.

Grateful and thankful. 💗🙏

Another one bites the dust…

Treatment 9 and 10 came and went.  Side effects are so much better than before.  I am thankful for this!  Met with my reconstructive surgeon and have set a date.  Sept 27th.   I want my life back.  I want my body back.  I don’t want to be a pin cushion anymore.  Nor do I want to have this operation knowing I will again loose the ability to use my arms for another 6 weeks.     F@€#!!!      I’ll take that Stoli now!

I’m really struggling with this, but I am trying to remember it’s just another temporary setback.  I have finally realized that my sister Sandy is so right.  Cancer has taken this year from me.  The whole year.  I need to let it go.  LET IT GO!  (Wait, Another one bites the dust is a Queen song). Write it off.  📝 Move forward.  I promise myself I will never dwell or look back on this year with anything but gratitude, because it could have been worse.  It could always be worse.

Thankful  🙏 and forever grateful 💙!

How do you think I’m going to get along, Without you, when you’re gone                    You stripped  me of everything that I had,  And kicked me out on my own                       And another survivor, and another survivor…   I won’t miss you at all Cancer!

 

Emotional Rescue

Busy. Gotta keep busy so my mind stops trying to control my emotions.  I am so thankful I have the energy to tend my garden for there is where I find peace.

I have completed treatment #8.  I am halfway through the year and halfway through my treatments.  8 more to go.  6 more months.  Seems like once again the light at the end of this tunnel is so dim I can hardly see it.

Next up is my appointment with my reconstructive surgeon.  I am hoping my blood counts are good and we can schedule my surgery.  Maybe that’s why I feel depressed.  Emotional.  I feel like raggedy Anne married the bride of Frankenstein and not the least bit sexy.  Sexy?  How can I feel sexy with no eyebrows, hardly any eyelashes and stripped of my hair.  My emotions are really screwing with me.  I am trying to make the best of this journey but sometimes I feel defeated.  😞  I think I need a break from life.  No.  I need emotional rescue.

Is there nothing I can say, nothing I can do?  I’ll be your savior steadfast and true.  I’ll be your knight in shining armor coming to your emotional rescue.  🎼

Never give up. Ever!

Already anticipating my upcoming treatment.  Treatment #8.  Although I try not to let it show,  deep down inside, I’m afraid once again of the side effects.  I continue to have faith in God and pray that it will get easier as time goes on.

My journey has taught me that no matter what obstacle is blocking my path,  I have to find my way around it, plow through it and NEVER GIVE UP!   Stay focused, be strong, smile and remember that it could always be worse.   Every time I look at my bracelet  that I have worn since day 1, I am reminded of that.  Thank you Eric.  You have no idea how this simple band has kept me focused and strong. 😌

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I Will Survive!

It’s been four days since my last chemo treatment (#7) this would be the first of a series that runs to the end of the year.  Herceptin &  Projeta every 3 weeks.  So far I’m not experiencing the feeling that I started with from my original treatments.    I really hope this is a sign of the way it’s going to be for the remainder of the year.   My hands are peeling I can deal with that I’m sure they’re going to blister, get red  – fine,  stomach cramps coming and I still have a salty taste in my mouth.   Eyes tearing.  But just my overall feeling is 70% better.   I’ll take it with gratitude.
I never was afraid, Never petrified,
kept thinking I could never live
with Cancer in my insides.
But then I spent so many nights,
thinking how to beat this thing,
and I grew strong
and I learned how to move along.

Cancer – go, walk out the door.
Just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore.
Were you the one who tried
to break me with Chemo?
you think I’d crumble?
you think I’d lay down and die?

Oh no not I.
I will survive.
As long as I have my loved ones,
I know I’ll stay alive.
I got all my life to live
and I got all my love to give.
and I’ll survive. I will survive. hey hey

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart.
I’ be tired and sick for weeks                                                                                                                    and it hurt in my heart   💔                                                                                                                                            I spent so many nights.                                                                                                                         Feeling sorry for myself,

I used to cry
but now I hold my head up high.
And you see me, somebody new.
A bald headed little person
Trying hard to make it through.
And so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be sick
but now I’m saving all my strength’
to say Cancer, I’ve got you licked!

Cancer, go, walk out the door.
Just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore.
Weren’t you the one who tried
to break me with Chemo?
you think I’d crumble?
you think I’d lay down and die?

Oh no not I.
I will survive.
Oh as long as I have my loved ones
I know I’ll stay alive.
I got all my life to live
and I got all my love to give.
and I’ll survive. I will survive.  Hey, hey

Every night I thank the  Lord for another wonderful day.  🖼 It could be worse!